"NAY"
So director Peter Jackson (Lord of the Rings Trilogy) strikes again, except this time it doesn't happen in 3's. He tells a tale that has already been told before and once again the king of all beasts, the master of all monkeys, the monstrous gorilla himself: KING KONG awakens from a much needed slumber away from the big screen. Why recreate what’s already been done with a story most people already know too well with an ending that is no longer a surprise? Hmmm…
But then you start to think to yourself about the attention to detail he carefully pieced together in his epic masterpiece about a hobbit and a ring so you kinda convince your doubtful mind that maybe this is worth sitting through another 3-hours or so. Maybe.
You gotta admit the previews were pretty spectacular; an enormous skull-shaped mountain amidst rough waves crashing against jagged rocks, luscious trees and twisted vines engulfing the men with guns shooting at things 4-times their own size, trying to rescue a beautiful blonde damsel in distress from the hideously hairy creature of the jungle. But then again the point of all previews is to grab the audience’s need for more, so of course I became even more skeptical and assumed all the great stuff, crammed into less than a minute of montage and mayhem, were already shown.
Yet, I too became the victim of media hype and so I followed their lead in hopes that underneath it all lies a heartfelt story. So here’s what’s gotta be said. And yes, I am still searching for its heart.
It started off with a brief clip of animals at the zoo. Useless. Then it introduced us to the 4 main characters: The aspiring young actress, the greedy filmmaker, the cocky hero of the movies and of course the real hero (?) and love interest of our fair maiden. Blah, blah, blah. Useless. Where’s the monkey, the star of the show? We don’t see him until about an hour of uselessness. I know, I know. The premise of the story is to see why they even ended up at Skull Island. I just don’t see the reason why it took so damn long to meet the beast in which the audience came to see in the first place. Even when we get to the island we get bombarded with possessed native people. And what’s to say about all that? Rolling their eyes all the way to the back of their heads, coated in metal-like paint, dreadlocks, and bucked teeth? Then they get into this exorcist dance that gets all the kids in the theatre, who just wanted to see the big monkey hop around, to cry hysterically over some scary shit. So then they kidnap blondie, tie her to a pole and drag her to meet the beast. Finally.
Kong rushes to the mainland with such vengeance, breaking trees in his path, the ground rumbling as he makes his way through the forest. He snaps her arms from off the tightly bound rope and wobbles away with her still in tact. And why she doesn’t die from the impact of having her limbs pulled in such a fashion to being swished around like a piece of meat as he rummages his way to his cave…I have no idea. He should’ve just eaten her if you asked me.
It’s kinda funny how a make-believe character without a single line throughout the whole film showed more emotion and acting skills than any of the humans combined. The way Jackson illustrated Kong’s temperament and high energy did reveal in a few precious moments his directing ability as it were in the Lord of the Rings.
Then we get to the crew (aka the men with guns) who feel the need to go back because we still have another 2 hours to kill. FYI: the bug scenes were completely unnecessary. I cringe at the thought of it. They should have put a disclaimer about that fucked up shit to warn us with phobias. God damn spiders.
I will admit to one thing. The only "YAY" of it all was the fact that Kong does some major ass-kicking on SKULL ISLAND. The ultimate fight scene between him and the Rexes…fuckin’ amazing. That is the only reason to watch. So for those of us who wasted almost 3 full hours to witness one hell of a heart-pounding ten minutes made it all worth it in the end.
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