What happened to SEX?

Wishing for a yay, but sadly...a nay.

I did it. I caved in and believed that TV can translate well on the big screen with no problem. So I put on my favorite pair of red sandals and strutted with the rest of them to see the highly anticipated HBO craze Sex and the City: The Movie.

Now before you think of me as a cynical bitch, I AM actually a fan of the series. Yes, I've seen every episode and yes I own all six seasons on dvd. So of course, yes I was expecting A LOT. What I mean is I was expecting the same dazzling images and sharp script-writing that this little-show-turned-BIG brought to my 24-inch Sanyo TV set.

Like the time Carrie and Aidan triggered one of the most hilariously, real "nothing" fights over a pair of shoes and a 2-door bathroom or when Samantha ran up a flight of stairs, having to remove a string of pearls in a special place to pick up the pace! Or when Miranda finally lets love in under a sheet of rain on a busy city street. Or when Charlotte stepped out in a beautiful pink dress after she lost her miracle too soon.

However, as the pessimist that I am I know that good things must come to an end. I just wished it didn't have to happen here.

The story: It's some odd years later and we get a quick intro of what the fab four have been doing since we last saw them. Snippets of classic scenes and a few awesome one-liners later, the only real change we see are the babies all grown up...but sadly the cast grew weary. All the actors and actresses made their appearances, but unfortunately that's all they did. They showed up to play the parts that they were paid to play.

I no longer saw Carrie Bradshaw. I saw Sarah Jessica Parker. A frighteningly skinny SJP with way too little clothing and way too much eye make-up dancing around in the most bizarre wardrobe imaginable and not even sporting enough great footwear.
Where the hell were all the PRETTY shoes I longed to wear?!!!! The only ones that got any attention debuted in a closet and made its mark as the corniest proposal ever (and no I wouldn't wear them)!

A lot of things were lacking. Speaking of which, where the hell was the real Samantha with her outrageous sex appeal and quirkiness? They gave Kim Cattrall a slight gut and a possible eating disorder rather than tangling her up in one of her many titillating affairs and then proceeded to cast her in the shortest sex scene ever and it was under the covers! Her hot new neighbor got more action and all she could do was watch from behind glass doors! On a lighter note (if you can even call it that) is seeing perfect Charlotte York (Kristin Davis) do the unthinkable because she just couldn't hold it in any longer! The surprise for me was for the first time ever, Miranda (Cynthia Nixon) was more fashionable then the rest of the trio put together!

Oh and what the f*%k happened to the men? Dashing and daring Mr. Big seemed like a lost puppy with nowhere else to turn to. Steve threw away his great wit and charm for a one-time fling. Harry's romantic humor was left on the sidelines while Smith, who wanted more than just to be a "sex object" left us with well, not much else. I mean, they just sprinkled the boys in wherever they could but it didn't really connect to the story. Why were they staying monotonous or in Big's case, creating drama by reenacting bad habits? Even the once coy Stanford and sassy Anthony had nothing more to do besides make their cameos and end it all with a forgettable kiss.

Sigh... where was the snappy dialogue and the true comradery of being able to say what was on your mind no matter what the consequences? Who in the world decided that the most controversial word would be "sex?!" I mean, seriously "C-U-Next-Tuesday" had more oomph than that! Where was the courage of walking on your own two feet after a heavy breakup? I wanted to see HIM hurt, not her. He REALLY needed to be in some kind of real pain. Having wine and feeling lonely in a room full of people is just not mean enough. I wanted BLOOD, really. It all seemed too pathetic. It all felt too rehearsed. Argue, cry, smile...now "action!" It didn't feel like it was happening in real time. It felt like the characters knew they had to bring it altogether in a little over 2-hours and that's the limits of making a movie...a forced end.

Although the movie looks promising, it's full of cliches and scattered with emotionless stories that lacked real content and it failed to highlight the one thing that made this show unique: the goal-oriented, "I don't need a man to complete me" women. They even clumsily tossed in Jennifer Hudson (who I was hoping would crack some common sense into Carrie) only to have her leave for yes, you guessed it: a man! It's as if the writers were purposely sticking to the fairytale ending: marry a man, settle down and have kids. And if you don't, you'll be celebrating your 50th with friends who are stable in their own lives while you're still trying to find yourself. What?! Why not focus on more serious plots: Samantha's recovery or even Steve's mother's battle with Alzheimer's rather than the too-good-to-be-true, bogus reassurance that through it all it's still worth it to tie the knot? And if so, can you at least give me a break and throw in more sex?!

I couldn't help but wonder...