Little Room, Big View

Review: Ohana Waikiki West Hotel (Oahu, Hawaii)

"Nay"

Ok, ok so not everyone can say they went to Hawaii and had a bad time. Don't get me wrong, I had a blast! But...it's not the location I'm complaining about by any means, it's the hotel. I went to Hawaii once before and stayed at this 3-star place back in 2001 and from what I remember, it had an attentive staff, clean facilities, and the best thing of all was that it was walking distance to just about everything including the infamous International Marketplace (a bargain shopper's haven for good deals). Who needs more than 4-walls, a sink, a tub, a toilet and a bed anyway? Afterall, it's Hawaii!!!!!!! But that's not the point I'm trying to make.

So we get there by noon and the hostess, wearing a plastic smile, took about a year trying to get us a room. Then finally she gave us 2 options: (1) wait til 3pm or (2) get a room on the 18th floor. Obviously, we picked the room. Now, get this. There is NO ELEVATOR ACCESS to the top floor. She proceeded to give me directions to our room without once apologizing for the inconvenience nor explaining wtf we had to take the fire escape! Did the elevator break down? Were they simply working on the floor and it'll be ready later on in the day? But no, the elevator was working and it wasn't until we walked into it that we realized there was no button for the 18th floor. At. All.

The elevator is a genuine piece of work and anyone who stayed at this hotel can tell you that is the #1 way to get you irate even before the doors shut. You know how some high-end hotels have their best rooms (aka: suites) on the top floors where you need a special keycard to gain access to it? No, not this place. You need a keycard to get anywhere passed the 8th floor, but they don't really tell you that when you check in. And nowhere in the elevator does it say where to slide your card in. The little placard only reads "Key Card Access" below some actual key holes (way above the slot). The best part? When you finally put 2 and 2 together and enter your keycard, you're supposed to enter it upside-down and backwards from where the arrow is, wait for some tiny green light to flash and select your room before the elevator makes its way back down to the lobby again.

After 4 or 5 tries, you finally get it but it seems to get worse as you make your way up that you'll find yourself regretting to continue the journey (especially when the lights go out). So now you're in the dark, impatient, irritated, and tired. And for the poor souls on the 18th floor, we still have a hike to look forward to! We would exit on the 17th floor, go down a narrow hallway to the fire escape and climb an eerie stairwell that leads us to our rooms.

Ah, the room filled with colors of dingy yellow and booger green. A pretty simple set-up: bed at the center with a flimsy bedsheet and a burlap sack for a blanket, sea-blue lamps crazy-glued to the nightstands on each side, a safe that doesn't look safe at all, a fridge that smells like the ocean is leaking from it and a TV. Where's the closet? Next to the toilet in the bathroom. Who needs a steamer, just hang your clothes and take a hot shower! Oh, and when you're taking a crap just look to your right and watch yourself in the mirror. It'll make you want to hop in that bathing suit girls!

The only "YAY" about the whole thing is that if you do get stuck way up there, the only reason to stay is the awesome view! Pull back those dreary drapes and behold a balcony that wraps around the 8X10 square feet of space, 2 blocks away from the beach. Just stepping out into the open breeze, letting the wind blow through your hair and the warmth of the sun calm you while sailboats float up ahead, you suddenly forget about the plastic people crowding the lobby, the elevator ride through hell, the fire escape that you wish to escape from and the cramped room.